A Breakup Letter to Perfectionism

Dear Perfectionism,

For the past thirty-seven years, we’ve been quite the pair. 

I clung to you because, in the beginning, this relationship between us felt like love. By embracing you, I believed I was embracing safety, control, and approval. 

I listened to your voice, whispering in my ear: “if I can just get this right, if I can just be perfect all the time, then maybe everything will stay okay.”

And I believed you. I believed that I would stay safe, that I would earn approval, that I would be loveable and worthy… if I could just be perfect. 

Now, looking back, I realize how toxic and suffocating your lies were.

You had me believe that if I let people see I’m not perfect, that instead, I am a flawed individual, then they will abandon me. You brain-washed me to think that if I am not perfect, then I am unlovable. 

You plagued me with the idea that I will never be good enough, which has led to a life-long battle with anxiety and exhaustion.

So, I am writing to you today because it is time for our toxic love affair to come to an end. It’s time for us to break up. 

And believe me when I say: it’s not me, it’s you.

I can already hear you saying that I’ll never find someone like you. Well, truth be told, that’s the point. For the past thirty-plus years, I have been faithful to you despite your lies and despite the way you made me feel about myself. 

No matter how much I’ve achieved, I’ve had the voice of self-criticism—your voice—ringing loudly in my head that I’m still not doing or giving enough. 

You’ve kept joy, creativity, and rest out of my reach in my pursuit of trying to be perfect.

I have denied my emotions, thoughts, and voice (in essence, the things that make me, me) striving to be perfect because again, if I am perfect, then I am loveable. 

My relationship with you has caused me to forsake myself on multiple occasions, which has led me to lose myself. I’ve been performing an idealized version of who I am, instead of living as my whole, authentic self.

And it has been exhausting trying to hold everything together, at all times. 

I have constantly worked to do more and give more in my attempts at perfection. I have glorified being busy, forgoing rest to show up for and help others, and always made myself available to everyone around me, believing this somehow made me worthy instead of just plain busy and overextended. 

Instead of letting myself be a human, and asking for help, and taking breaks, and loving myself for exactly who I am in any particular moment, I have pushed myself to be perfect and to be it all: a loving, happy, patient wife who helps cultivate a trusting marriage; an understanding, always available, supportive friend who never needs too much from others; an engaged, active, fun, loving aunt; the emotional translator and sounding board for my parents who swallows her own issues to help them; and an organized, hard-working, dependable, “never misses a day of work to take care of herself because she’s dedicated to her job” business owner.

Does reading this list of everything I have tried so hard to do and be exhaust you, Perfectionism? Because it utterly exhausts me. I actually think I need a nap. Or a stiff drink. It makes me wonder how I have not literally cracked under all of the pressure you have heaped upon me. 

I do not mean to sound completely ungrateful for the things I have accomplished or become during our time together. Like all relationships, there is good with the bad. It is because of you, Perfectionism, that I have been successful at work, I have a beautiful home which I love, and I have built a small business that brings me joy on a daily basis. 

It is also because of you that I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone to grow as an individual. And you have helped me cultivate relationships with humans that I absolutely adore.

For these things, I am thankful. 

However, I have been motivated to do and be all of these things for the wrong reasons. I have been trying to build a “perfect” life, instead of embracing the beautiful mess that life is and the imperfect human that I am. 

You have taught me how to survive, Perfectionism, but now, I’m ready to live.

In the years that will follow our break-up, I am committed to focusing on myself, as cliché as that may sound. 

I am committed to exploring what I need to be happy, whole, and healthy without you in my life. 

I am letting go of constant self-policing, and instead, choosing softness, honesty, and rest.

I am setting boundaries and refusing to measure my worth in productivity or flawlessness. 

My soul longs to release itself from the desire to be perfect and the constant struggle to do, give, and be more. I yearn to live in a state of calmness, softness, and wholeness.

During our relationship, I was searching for safety and approval in perfectionism, busyness, and in doing and being it all. I now recognize how futile that quest was. 

Moving forward, I am committed to searching for safety and approval within myself, in quiet moments, in slowing down, and in being, doing, and giving less. 

I am redefining success as wholeness, not performance.

I am allowing myself to make mistakes and not berate myself when I mess up.

I am reconnecting with play and curiosity.

And I’m remembering that being human is not a flaw.

As you know, Perfectionism, I’ve undergone a profound internal transformation over this past year.

As I’ve started to let our relationship fall to the wayside, I have been extremely intentional about what and who I let into my home, my mind, and my inner circle, as well as what I spend my time doing. 

I have been distancing myself from toxic relationships and instead, investing in the people who invest in me. While I may have fewer “friends,” the people I am now surrounding myself with consistently support me, show up for me, love me, and accept me without judgement or conditions, even when they see my imperfections. 

I am also spending my time in drastically different ways. I am spending less time rushing from one commitment to the next, over-thinking everything, and doing what others expect of me. Instead, I am spending more time in nature, hiking, camping, writing, and reading. 

I am partaking in activities, surrounding myself with people, and filling my mind with thoughts that feed my soul, challenge my body and mind, and quiet my spirit. 

Since I have started to remove unnecessary obligations and commitments from my calendar, and toxic, surface-level relationships from my life, I have found greater inner peace, a quieter mind, and a calmer spirit. 

I have realized how my life could be instead of how you tell me it should be. 

I have started to believe—genuinely believe—that it is my messiness, my vulnerabilities, and my imperfections (not perfection) that truly make me, me.

And I would rather embrace my imperfections and live fully, than strive for perfection and never truly live. 

And so, I am breaking up with you, Perfectionism, and I am fully embracing myself, as well as all that life has to offer once I let go of you.

My hope is that we do not become one of those ex-couples who, after they break up, indulge in each other after one-too-many-drinks on a Saturday night, or an exceptionally stressful or lonely week. I do not want to fall back into the toxic pattern that we have created together, as tempting as that might be at times. 

Because let’s be honest: although our relationship has been unhealthy, we also have a long, complicated history together. We have intertwined ourselves so closely for the past three-plus decades that I don’t know what my life will be like without you. 

Stepping into the unknown is both terrifying and exhilarating, as I look forward anxiously and excitedly to what I will find within myself, as well as in the world around me. All of this being said, I hope that we can part ways as amicably as possible. 

You have been an integral, albeit harmful, part of my life for as long as I can remember. 

Moving forward, however, I am committed to choosing what will bring peace, calmness, clarity, and understanding into my life. 

Moving forward, I am committed to living fully and living intentionally, which I am unable to do if I am connected to you. 

Moving forward, I am committed to choosing me, imperfections and all. 

Sincerely,

Wren, A Recovering Perfectionist 

***

Through breaking up with Perfectionism, I am now saying yes to rest, imperfection, real connection and ease.

This week, I invite you to write your own breakup letter to Perfectionism. Ask yourself:  What are you ready to stop proving? What are you ready to start feeling?

Remember: letting go of perfectionism isn’t failure. It’s healing.