What is the Eldest Daughter Wound? (And How to Start Healing)

I didn’t realize I carried the Eldest Daughter Wound until I was in my thirties. For someone who was taught to constantly take care of other people’s emotions, the irony that I was unable to see my own emotional challenges is not lost on me.

I remember looking at my calendar one Sunday evening and realizing I had zero social plans for the upcoming week… and then proceeded to have a full-fledged anxiety attack about how to fill my time. If I wasn’t scheduled to see any of my people, how was I going to spend all of my evenings after work? My husband suggested I spend some time focusing on a hobby I hadn’t in a while. When he said this, my first thought was: I don’t even know what I like to do anymore. If I wasn’t showing up for a friend, helping a family member, or volunteering my time, who was I? Somewhere along the way, my identity had become completely defined by showing up for others and I forgot to live a life of my own.

For as long as I can remember I have been the stable one, the responsible one, the one you can call in a crisis, the one who is willing to help, the one no one needs to worry about. 

To be honest, for a long time being the reliable one worked pretty well for me. I was a good friend. A good daughter. A good sister. A good wife. A good aunt. A good business owner. And because I was good in all those external contexts, it must have meant that I, as an individual, was good. I was proving my worth again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and... 

It didn’t matter that I was burning myself out by constantly showing up for others and not taking any time for myself. My friends could always depend on me! It didn’t matter that I had trouble falling asleep worrying someone might need me during the night and I’d be unreachable (because I’d be, you know, asleep). My family could always count on me! It didn’t matter that I’d continuously pushed my own emotions down to the point I didn’t know how I felt about certain situations in my life. I could, however, remember exactly how my friend felt about the same situation! It didn’t matter that I had stopped setting aside time for the things that brought me joy and had completely lost touch with myself. I was “good”!

During that week when I had no social commitments, and no clue how to fill my time with things I enjoyed, I was forced to slow down. I slept. A lot. I started journaling again, a habit I’d allowed to fall to the wayside over the years. I filled page after page with thoughts and feelings I hadn’t even realized were buried inside of me. I asked myself: how did I get to this point? And: who the hell am I, actually? Not in context to anyone else, but who am I, as an individual?   

That week was a turning point for me. As I continued to slow down and ask myself these hard questions, I realized I was carrying an invisible and excruciatingly heavy emotional wound: the Eldest Daughter Wound. 

What is the Eldest Daughter Wound?

Before we unpack the Eldest Daughter Wound, it’s important to first define the Eldest Daughter Syndrome. The Eldest Daughter Syndrome refers to the emotional pressure, high expectations, and sense of responsibility placed upon the oldest female child in a family system. 

For example, many eldest daughters have been programmed from a young age to be emotional translators and emotional sounding boards for their parents. This can look like helping their parents navigate marital disagreements, constantly being aware of, and trying to regulate, the emotions of the adults around them, and going to great lengths to keep the peace between the adults in the household. How is a child supposed to navigate the complex emotions of adults, when they don’t have the tools to navigate their own emotions yet?

Eldest daughters are also often put into the position of caregiver and role model to their younger siblings. This comes with the expectation they will be the responsible child, the gold standard for the younger children to follow, and the one younger siblings can go to for emotional support and practical help. The pressure is overwhelming.

On top of the emotional burden, eldest daughters are typically given more household responsibilities than that of their younger siblings, such as cleaning, laundry, and cooking, especially if caregivers are often out of the house. No wonder exhaustion is baked into an eldest daughter’s DNA.

While the Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and consequently the Eldest Daughter Wound, are not recognized psychiatric diagnoses, chances are if you’re an eldest daughter, you have felt the effects of each. 

The Eldest Daughter Wound refers to the heavy emotional and mental load that result from this parentification, or being forced to grow up too fast, as a child. 

The expectations, pressure, and responsibility placed upon our shoulders creates and continuously reinforces false narratives (read again: false narratives) that we believe about ourselves. According to Verywell Mind, these false internal narratives “can shape personality, behaviors, relationships, and well-being throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.”

These false narratives will be different for each eldest daughter. Some of us believe we have to earn love by making sure everyone else is okay, often at the expense of ourselves. Or our worth is directly tied to our productivity. Or rest is selfish because we always need to be helping others and completing tasks, often without receiving any help ourselves. Or that we have to be perfect in order to be worthy of approval, love, friendship, etc.

These internal beliefs about ourselves can lead to a number of emotional challenges and unhealthy behaviors throughout our lives, including but not limited to: 

• People-pleasing tendencies

• Overachievement

• Feelings of guilt for slowing down and resting 

• Hyperindependence

• Stress

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Low self-esteem and self-worth

• Perfectionist tendencies

• Difficulty setting boundaries

• Emotional burn out

• Difficulty defining one’s identity outside of caring for others

• Trouble asking for and receiving help

• Self-abandonment 

I personally have struggled with every single one of the feelings and behaviors on this list. There are still times I do. 

But here’s the important thing: these beliefs, these false narratives, that we think about ourselves – that we’ve been taught to think about ourselves – are lies. They simply aren’t accurate. They’re false. You don’t have to earn love; you are deserving of love because you are a human being and every single human being is deserving of love. Your worth is not tied to your productivity; you are worthy and don’t have to prove anything. Full stop. Rest is not selfish; it is essential to your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. You don’t have to be perfect; you are allowed to be messy and complicated and fall apart.

AND we can all, every single one of us, unlearn these false narratives and start healing our Eldest Daughter Wound.    

How Can You Start Healing? 

Healing your Eldest Daughter Wound takes time. Unfortunately, it’s not an item we can easily check off our to-do lists. It is challenging, time-consuming, and often exhausting work. I am still working to heal my own Eldest Daughter Wound and I have a feeling I will be continuing to do so for a long time. And that’s okay. 

Below are five steps you can take to start healing your own wound:

1. Acknowledge you carry the Eldest Daughter Wound 

Say, out loud, “I carry the Eldest Daughter Wound.” Sit with your words for a bit. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise with your acknowledgement. There is power in naming our wounds. It is the first step towards healing. 

2. Explore how the Eldest Daughter Wound shows up in you

Start to explore how you were personally wounded as the eldest daughter. What expectations were placed on you that you didn’t want? How are you still affected by this wound? How does it continue to show up in your everyday life? Your relationships? Friendships? Career? 

If you need help starting to explore your personal Eldest Daughter Wound, you can download these journal prompts as a jumping off point.

3. Discover who you are, as an individual 

Make a list of things that bring you joy. If you can’t think of anything that currently brings you joy, what brought you joy as a child? Write everything down, even if it seems silly. 

Some of the things on my list include: hiking, reading, spending time in nature, and driving with the windows down singing along to music.

4. Do something just for yourself, by yourself, each week

Make a date with yourself. Set aside some time each week and do something that brings you joy (use the list you wrote above as inspiration). It’s okay to start small. If you only have 20 minutes on a Tuesday morning to go for a walk by yourself, that’s great. The most important thing is that you don’t cancel on yourself. Keep your date. 

Every Sunday evening, I put a date with myself on my calendar for the week ahead. I do this before I add anything else to my schedule. Once my personal date is set, it’s non-negotiable. If someone reaches out to make plans during that time, I say I’m unavailable. It was extremely hard for me to start doing this practice. Now, it’s one of my favorite parts of my week.

5. If needed, at any point, ask for help

This healing work is not easy. And it’s not something you need to do alone. If at any point in your journey, you need help navigating your Eldest Daughter Wound and healing process, reach out for help. This can be in the form of talking to a trusted friend, family member, or seeking the help of a professional therapist. You do not need to do this alone. 

Please note: these steps are just to get you started on your healing journey. They helped me and I hope they help you too.