9 Signs You’re Carrying Emotional Baggage That Was Never Yours

Many eldest daughters feel weighed down, exhausted, and emotionally burned out. Some of us have been feeling this way for so long, we can’t remember a time when we weren't carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. Exhaustion has become a part of our personality. Feeling burned out has become our default emotional setting. 

Why is this our “normal”? 

We’ve been lugging around a bunch of emotional baggage that isn’t, and never was, our responsibility to carry.

Do you think you’re carrying emotional baggage that was never yours? Below are nine signs you are.

1. You can’t remember a time when you were allowed to just be a kid

As an eldest daughter, you stepped into adult roles too early. You were responsible for navigating complex adult emotions, providing care for your younger siblings, and completing household tasks. These responsibilities didn’t allow you to just be a kid. You weren’t given the time and space you needed to play, to wonder, to explore, to rest, and to make mistakes. You were too busy being a little adult. 

2. You feel responsible for everyone’s emotions

As a child, you were taught to monitor the moods of others and adjust yourself accordingly, even if it meant silencing and ignoring your own emotions. As an adult you may still assume this responsibility, even when it isn’t your job. Do you rush to try and “fix” someone else’s difficult emotions? Do you try to save others from the uncomfortable consequences of their own decisions? Do you often do this at the expense of yourself? Unless you are the parent of a young child, this isn’t your job. You are not responsible for the emotions of other adults. 

3. You apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong

Many eldest daughters were programmed from a young age to please others and to be all things to all people. However, it’s impossible to please everyone and meet everyone else’s needs. Each time you were unable to meet this expectation, you believed you were doing something wrong and felt the need to apologize. And now, you’ve carried this belief with you into adulthood. You can’t be all things to all people. And that’s okay. You aren’t doing anything wrong. You don’t need to apologize for being human. 

4. You struggle to express your own needs

From a young age, you were trained to prioritize others, often at the expense of your own needs. When you are constantly making sure everyone else is okay, there is little room (if any) to take care of yourself. This can lead to self-abandonment and difficulty knowing and understanding what you need in any given situation. If you don’t know what your needs are, how can you express them?

5. You play the peacekeeper, even when it costs you

If you grew up in a chaotic or emotionally unsafe environment, you learned to smooth over conflict in order to survive. You were taught that it was easier to keep the peace, even if it meant swallowing your own hurt and trauma. Continuing to be the peacekeeper in adulthood, especially when it means ignoring your own emotions, can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and emotional exhaustion. 

6. You believe you’re “too much” or “not enough”

This insecurity often comes from trying to live up to unrealistic expectations that were placed upon you as the eldest daughter. Were you called dramatic for having a normal reaction to something that happened to you? Did a parent tell you they were disappointed in you because you made an honest mistake? Were you called too emotional for feeling normal human emotions (sadness over a loss, fear over a big life change, or anger over a disrespected boundary)? Did a caregiver call you a failure because you couldn’t live up to the unrealistic expectation of being perfect? When you’re told over and over again, either explicitly or subtly, that you’re “too much” or “not enough,” you start to believe those things about yourself. This leads you to either shrink or contort yourself into someone you’re not to try and meet the expectations of who others think you should be, instead of being who you truly are. 

7. You have an inner critic that sounds like a parent or a caregiver

The expectations, pressures, and responsibilities that were placed upon your shoulders as a child created and continuously reinforced false narratives that you now believe about yourself as an adult. Were you taught that you were selfish for resting because you should be completing a household task? Were you told you were somehow failing because you couldn’t meet the unrealistic expectations of your parents? Were you made to believe it’s better to keep quiet than share your emotions so you’re not a burden to anyone? Now as an adult, do you hear a little voice telling you you’re selfish when you take a midday nap? Does that little voice tell you you’re a failure when you make a mistake? To shut up and swallow your emotions? This inner critic is the voice of the false narratives you internalized about yourself as a child. And it can sound like a parent or caregiver because, whether they consciously meant to or not, they are often the ones who taught you the internal beliefs you carry. 

8. You feel like you’re parenting your parents

This is a classic sign of role reversal, especially common among eldest daughters. If you were expected to be an emotional sounding board for one or both of your parents; help navigate conflict between your parents; take on household tasks that your parents were responsible for; or all of the above, you were forced into the role of parent as a child. If this role reversal was cemented when you were a child, it can be extremely difficult to change, even when you’re an adult. If you’re still an emotional translator for your parents, acting more as a friend than a daughter, or still expected to help your parents with tasks they can easily complete themselves, you’re stuck in the role of being a parent to your own parents. If you’re a parent figure to the people responsible for parenting you, who is taking care of you?

9. You feel emotionally exhausted

Chronic caretaking and hypervigilance take a toll. It is exhausting – physically, mentally, and emotionally – to constantly be monitoring the emotions of everyone around you, making sure everyone else is okay, playing the peacekeeper, silencing your own needs, parenting your parents, swallowing your own hurt, listening to your inner critic, and making sure all of the practical life tasks get done day in and day out. No wonder you’re exhausted. (I’m exhausted just writing that list.) You’ve been ignoring yourself and your needs for far too long. You’re running on empty. 

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We don’t have to keep living like this. We can let go of everything that isn’t ours to carry. 

We can reconnect with our inner child and make time to play, wonder, and explore as adults.

We can allow other adults to monitor and manage their own emotions without rushing to fix it for them.

We can stop apologizing when we’ve done nothing wrong and instead, embrace being messy, complicated human beings.

We can take the time to acknowledge and understand our own needs and learn how to express them to others.

We can stop playing the peacekeeper and instead, face conflicts head-on with honesty and kindness.

We can celebrate exactly who we are, walking confidently in the knowledge that we are neither “too much” or “not enough.” 

We can silence our inner critic and unlearn the false narratives we were taught to believe about ourselves.

We can set healthy boundaries with our parents and step out of the role of emotional translator and helper.

We can, finally, rest.