Your Value Is Not In How Much You Do For Others: Reclaiming Rest In Your Life

Confession of an eldest daughter: taking time to rest is not one of my strengths. I have a tendency to overextend myself, put too many commitments on my calendar, and spread myself thin. I have a habit of pushing through exhaustion, instead of taking breaks and slowing down. 

However, I’m working on reclaiming rest in my daily life. I am slowly unlearning the narratives that taught me rest is selfish; that resting means I’m lazy; and that I constantly need to be productive. I am slowly unlearning that my value is not tied to how much I do for others. 

As I unlearn these narratives, I’m learning that rest is essential to my emotional, mental, and physical well-being. I’m learning I have stronger relationships with my loved ones when I feel replenished. And I’m learning how damn good it feels when I consistently make time to rest. 

But this is still a work in progress for me. Please know that as I write this article, I’m not only speaking to my fellow eldest daughters; I’m also speaking to myself.

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Many eldest daughters inherit the unspoken family rule: your value is in how much you do for others. This is a narrative I internalized as a young girl and it’s one that has dictated many of my behaviors and relationship patterns as an adult. It’s at the heart of why I find resting so challenging. 

With this narrative comes the expectation, either implicitly or explicitly, that eldest daughters will keep going, no matter what, because there always seems to be someone who needs something from us. If we want to feel valuable, we have to keep giving to and doing things for others. At least, that’s what we’ve been taught. So we find ourselves constantly caretaking, smoothing over conflict, and setting an example for those around us.

We find ourselves trying to earn and prove our value by being everything to everyone.

In the process, rest gets equated with slacking off, being selfish, being lazy, or “not pulling your weight.” So we keep going and going until we hit a wall, break down, and suffer from burn out. 

Because this cycle of never stopping, of never pausing to take a break, of never resting, comes with a steep price. Constant over-responsibility and care-taking leaves eldest daughters resentful and disconnected from their own needs.

Exhaustion becomes our default mode.

And here’s the kicker: no one seems to notice we’re exhausted, because we’re still “functioning.” We’re still showing up, we’re still holding all of our shit together, and we’re still helping others. We’re ignoring our exhaustion in order to push through for others. 

So, how do we stop this cycle?

Just as we learned to reframe our thoughts around boundaries, we can learn to reframe how we think about rest. 

Because, just like boundaries, choosing rest is the ultimate act of self-love. 

By choosing rest, we are rewriting the false narrative that our value is in how much we do for others. Instead, we’re proving to ourselves and others that our worth isn’t measured by our sacrifice. 

Here’s the truth: we have value, even when we choose our needs over the needs of others. We have value, even when we don’t respond to every request for our time and energy. We have value, even when we say “no.” We have value, even when we decide not to be over-productive. We have value, even when we rest. 

We have value. Full stop. We don’t have to earn it. We don’t have to prove it. 

Choosing rest is also a way of breaking out of the invisible job descriptions (being the caretaker, being the emotional translator, being the dependable one) that we never agreed to. Rest disrupts the cycle of always being “the strong one” and always being the person everyone else can turn to. 

Since embracing rest in my own life, I’ve allowed myself to become more unreliable in my relationships. To clarify: I still drop whatever I’m doing if someone I love is facing a true crisis and reaches out for help. Abandoning my people in their moments of need is not what I’m talking about when I say I’m learning to be unreliable. 

Instead, I’m learning that not every request for my time and energy is an emergency that requires my immediate attention. So where I used to drop what I was doing to immediately respond to non-urgent requests and messages, I wait to respond until I have free time and have the emotional bandwidth to do so. 

And sometimes, I don’t respond at all. Because not every text, call, email, or request is deserving of my time and energy. Taking the time to rest and prioritizing my mental health are more important than always being reliable and available for others. 

Because here’s the thing: rest doesn’t have to be earned by checking off every item on our to-do list or caring for every need of those around us. 

We were born worthy of rest, play, and ease.

And I no longer want to burn myself out by trying to prove my value and worth.

While knowing we don’t have to prove our value or earn our rest, intentionally resting can still be challenging. This is where practice comes in. Below are four practical ways to reclaim rest in your life:

🖤Start with small pauses: let yourself sit down before the kitchen is clean, breathe before answering someone’s request, or go to bed even if the to-do list isn’t done.

For me, this looks like: not responding immediately to non-urgent texts and not picking up phone calls if I don’t have the bandwidth at that moment to chat. 

🖤Practice saying no: not as rejection, but as protection of your energy.

If you need some help saying no, check out this article that provides boundary scripts to keep in your back pocket that make saying “no” a little easier. 

🖤Create rituals that remind you that you come first too: naps, walks, journaling, even doing nothing.

Two of my rituals include: a daily meditation practice and reserving one day each weekend to rest. On my weekend rest days, I don’t make any plans and I either silence all phone notifications or turn off my phone completely. These rituals are non-negotiable on my calendar and take priority over other obligations. They help remind me that I am a priority in my own life.

🖤Ask yourself a different question: instead of asking, “have I done enough for everyone?” ask yourself,  “what would feel good for me right now?”

Swapping these questions has helped me embrace rest. When I stop and ask myself what would feel good for me in the moment, it usually includes reading, taking a bath, and spending time in nature. 

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This week, I invite you to put one of the steps listed above into practice to start reclaiming rest in your life.

Remember: When we, as eldest daughters, make time to rest, we have more creativity, compassion, and presence. Instead of pushing through exhaustion and burnout, we give our minds and bodies time to pause, breathe, and be replenished.