Why You Always Feel Like You’re Failing (Even When You’re Not)

I used to believe I had to be perfect. The perfect daughter. The perfect sister. The perfect friend. The perfect wife. The perfect business owner. The perfect woman who always had her life in order, never broke down, and never needed help.

I used to believe there was always more I should be doing. More I should give. More I should be.

So I added more commitments and obligations to my plate. I gave more of my time and energy to others. I pushed myself to constantly improve who I was. 

It was exhausting.

And it got me nowhere. It led to feelings of burn out, anxiety, and an overarching sense that I was failing everyone around me.

Because I couldn’t be perfect, because I couldn’t do or give or be any more (because I had already pushed myself past my limits) I constantly felt like I was, in my essence, a failure.

As an eldest daughter, unfortunately my experience is not unique. 

Eldest daughters often grow up with unspoken expectations to be responsible, mature, and selfless from a young age. This Invisible Rulebook You Never Agreed To shapes your behaviors, patterns, personality, and beliefs about yourself. The implicit rules you were expected to follow as a child may still run in the background of your adult life, creating impossible standards you’re constantly trying to meet.

Because the bar was set so high early on, as you move into adulthood, anything less than perfection can feel like failure. This can cause you to get stuck in a “never enough” cycle where even when you meet 90% of your goals, you focus on the 10% you missed.

When you’re only focusing on what you’ve missed or the next thing you need to do or how you could have helped someone more, success doesn’t feel like success. 

So when you meet a goal, or show up for a loved one, or heal a part of yourself, you minimize it. You quickly move on to the next task or commitment without celebrating what you’ve already accomplished. This robs you of the sense of satisfaction, peace, and the rest you’ve earned.

At the same time, you may be comparing yourself to an idealized version of who you think you should be, rather than acknowledging the human you are. 

This idealized version of yourself (the one who can do it all, the one who never needs help, the one who shows up perfectly in every situation she finds herself in, the one who has a never-ending source of time and energy she can pull from) can be perfect. She can do it all and never break down. She always knows the right thing to say at exactly the right time. She never gets tired. She never needs help. But that’s because she isn’t real. She isn’t human.

You, eldest daughter, are human. And it’s human nature to be messy, imperfect, and to make mistakes. That means:

You’re allowed to be messy. 

You’re allowed to make mistakes. 

You’re allowed to be imperfect. 

You’re allowed to be human. 

On top of the Invisible Rulebook You Never Agreed To and getting stuck in this comparison trap, many eldest daughters are carrying the weight of invisible work on their backs. And that shit is heavy. You may be juggling not only your own responsibilities, but also emotional labor for family, friends, and work. According to EBSCO, emotional labor “encompasses activities that support relationships, help manage others' feelings, and organize tasks, and it often goes unrecognized, particularly affecting marginalized groups such as women.”

This hidden and exhausting workload makes “success” feel even more unattainable because you’re already stretched too thin. 

You can’t do it all and you can’t be everything to everyone. It’s impossible. (Believe me, I’ve tried.) But since you were programmed from a young age to embody this role without complaint or help, you constantly feel like you’re failing everyone around you. 

The more I heal my Eldest Daughter Wound, the more I realize that the Invisible Rulebook I Never Agreed To as a child set me up for failure as I grew into adulthood. The perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors that kept me “safe” in childhood kept me stuck in self-criticism as an adult. 

I had been trying so hard to be perfect (and was consequently so hard on myself when I couldn’t be) that I never learned to love myself for who I am. I had been so focused on pushing myself beyond my limits to do and give and be more, that I never stopped to celebrate what I’d already accomplished and how I showed up for the people I loved. And I had been living in a constant state of striving for “more”. More doing, more giving, more becoming. The problem was that “more” was never enough. Once I gave more, once I did more, once I became more, there was always even more expected of me to give or do or become.

No wonder we, as eldest daughters, always feel like we’re failing. We’ve been expected to do, give, and be more than any one human can physically, mentally, and emotionally do, give, or be. 

We’re not failing. We’ve been given an insurmountable task with a set of standards no human can meet. 

We’ve been asked to do the impossible. 

Recognizing this truth is the first step to releasing the patterns, behaviors, and feelings that have kept us bound for so long.

I wish I could tell you I found the cure to no longer setting impossible standards for myself and feeling like a failure when I can’t meet them. The truth is, I’m still a recovering perfectionist and I still sometimes feel like I’m failing. But I’m working on it. And through practical steps and deep emotional work, I heal a little bit more each day as I shift the narratives I’ve been taught by The Invisible Rulebook I Never Agreed To. 

You can too. 

Below are three practical steps you can take to start to let go of perfectionism and the feeling of perceived failure.

🖤Practice redefining success in ways that feel authentic to you.

For a long time, I let others define what a successful life looked like for me. This included working a traditional 9-5 job, making a ton of money, always being busy, and always being available for everyone around me. 

Now, success looks extremely different because I’ve defined it on my own terms. For me, a successful life looks like: creating my own business that allows me to work fewer hours than ever before, a close connection with my nephews, deep and meaningful relationships with a few close friends, lots of blank space on my calendar for rest and reading, and as much time in nature as possible. That’s it. And it’s more than enough for me. 

What does a successful life look like for you? Not what you’ve been programmed to believe a successful life entails, but what it truly means to you. 

🖤Start keeping a “done” list instead of only a to-do list.

I love a to-do list. It keeps me organized and on task. But a “done” list helps me celebrate what I’ve already accomplished instead of only focusing on what I still need to do. It helps me look back and see how much progress I’ve made and fills me with a sense of accomplishment.

Start this week. Keep your regular to-do list and next to it, create a “done” list of all the things you accomplish. How does it shift your perspective?

🖤Celebrate progress, not just end results. 

Every time you put something on your “done” list, even if it’s a small step toward a larger goal, celebrate your progress. This could be as simple as taking a moment to stop and acknowledge what you’ve done up until that point. It could be going for a walk around the block or making your favorite warm beverage or taking a bath. Your celebration doesn’t have to be extravagant or cost any money. The important thing is you’re interrupting the narrative that you have to rush onto the next thing without a break.  

***

While the above practical steps are important and have helped me tremendously, it’s in the emotional work I’ve done that has been the most healing.

Through a combination of journaling, meditation, therapy, and talking to trusted friends, I am working on not only allowing myself to be human, but also embracing my humanness. I am working on believing that I am a beautiful, frustrating, broken, inspirational, resilient, paradoxical mess of a woman, and it is these qualities—not perfection—that make me loveable. It is these qualities that make me unique. That make me human. 

Through embracing my humanness, I am learning to slowly let go of perfectionist tendencies. I’m learning that it’s okay for me to be messy and to make mistakes. I’m learning that it’s okay for me to take care of myself. I’m learning it’s okay to give others the space to take care of themselves without trying to do it for them. I’m learning that the weight of perfectionism and people-pleasing is too damn heavy for me to carry. I’m learning that these tendencies are keeping me from truly living my life, for myself. And I would rather embrace my imperfections and live life on my own terms, than strive for perfection and always feel like a failure. 

And I’m learning it’s okay that my healing journey is a work in progress.

When I start to feel like I should be doing more, or giving more, or being more, I have a mantra I use to remind myself of the truth. I repeat it, either out loud or in my head, as often as I need to until I start to believe it. It’s simple and it goes like this:

I have done enough. I have given enough. I am enough.

I have done enough. I have given enough. I am enough.

I have done enough. I have given enough. I am enough.

Whenever you start to feel like you’re failing because you haven’t been able to be perfect, repeat it as often as you need to until you feel the weight of perfectionism and perceived failure fall away. 

I see you, eldest daughter.

You are doing enough. You are giving enough. You are enough.