Dear Eldest Daughter: You Were Never Meant to be the Parent

Dear Eldest Daughter,

You were never meant to be the parent. 

When you were asked to emotionally support your parents growing up, that wasn’t your responsibility. When you were asked to keep the peace in your home, that wasn’t your job. When you were asked to manage your siblings’ emotions and be the role model for them to look up to, that was a weight you weren’t meant to carry. When you were expected to be the strong one, the reliable one, to make yourself small, to silence your own voice, and to push down your emotions, that was too much for someone to ask of you.

You were asked to grow up too fast.

Many eldest daughters are forced into being a “little parent,” assuming the roles and responsibilities of adults instead of being allowed to just be a kid. This parentification of eldest daughters leads to a loss of childhood, causing you to miss out on play, rest, and self-discovery. 

Take a few moments to think about your childhood. Were you allowed to play to your heart’s content or were you asked to get things done around the house? Were you given time to rest or was there always someone else you needed to help? Were you given space to discover who you truly are or were you asked to live up to the expectations of who your parents wanted you to be? Were you allowed to just be a kid or were you expected to be a little parent?

As a child, you needed the freedom to explore, play, make mistakes, be silly, and rest.

You needed to just be a kid. 

Playing a parental role as a child can also instill the narrative that you have to be the “strong one,” discouraging you from asking for help and showing vulnerability. This is a weight too heavy for a child to bear. 

Think about your childhood again. Were you allowed to ask for help or were you expected to figure things out on your own? Were you encouraged to show vulnerability or were you taught to mask your emotions for the sake of making others comfortable? Did you feel safe breaking down or were you trained to be resilient and strong no matter what? 

As a child, you needed support and guidance from a loving caregiver to teach you how to process your emotions in healthy ways, ask for and receive help when needed, and navigate the challenges of life. 

It was never your job to hold your family together, raise your siblings, figure everything out on your own, always have your shit together, or protect your parents from their own emotions. 

You were never meant to be the parent.

Thinking about your childhood may be difficult. If you were forced to grow up too fast, and didn’t have the freedom to just be a kid, it is natural to feel anger and grief over the loss of your childhood.

Your feelings are valid. 

If needed, talk to a trusted friend, family member, or professional therapist to help you continue to process your emotions.

You don’t have to do this on your own anymore.

As you process the expectations and responsibilities that were demanded of you as a child, you may realize the behaviors born out of them are still playing out in your adult life.

Because eldest daughters are parentified when they are young, many often mistake caretaking for love, which is a pattern that can repeat itself in adult relationships. This can look like rushing in to “fix” the difficult emotions of other adults, even when you’re emotionally burned out; offering to complete household tasks or running errands for other able-bodied adults, even if it means ignoring the tasks of your own household; or always being available to answer questions about things other adults could easily find the answer to on their own. 

By confusing caretaking for love, you may believe you have to prove your worth by constantly offering to do or fix something for the people you love in order to maintain relationships with them. 

But, this is a lie. You do not have to constantly take care of others, especially at the expense of yourself, to prove you’re worthy of being in a relationship with them. 

You are allowed to show up with only your time, presence, and authentic self to offer others. 

If you’re still caught in the same behaviors and patterns that were instilled in you as a child, be gentle with yourself. You won’t be stuck here forever. 

It is possible to step out of this role and reclaim your life. 

One way to start is by reconnecting to your inner child. This can look like:

🖤Allowing yourself to rest: Take commitments and obligations off your calendar that drain your time and energy. Say “no” to any invitations you’re not excited about. Reserve a “rest day” once a week when you don’t have anything on your to-do list except rest. Watch a movie in the middle of the afternoon. Take a nap. Read that book that’s collecting dust on your shelf. Let yourself rest.

🖤Making time for play and creativity: Have a water balloon fight in the backyard. Go to a comedy show and laugh out loud. Take a long bike ride, not for the exercise, but for the enjoyment of it. Paint. Draw. Sing. Dance. Do things just for the fun of doing them, not as another way to be productive. What do you have a blast doing in the moment? Do those things. Let yourself play. 

🖤Giving yourself space for self-discovery: Go back to school. Take a course to learn a skill you’ve always wanted to. Journal. Go to therapy. Try new things. Get out of your comfort zone. What lights you up? What don’t you like? What are your goals? What do you want your life to look like? What don’t you want in your life? Allow yourself to discover who you are, not who you’ve been expected to be.

🖤Showing up in your adult relationships with only your time and love. Spend time with the people you love, just being together. Instead of trying to fix their difficult emotions, offer space to listen to them. Instead of offering to complete tasks they’re capable of completing themselves, give them your undivided attention when together. Instead of constantly offering to do or fix something for the people in your life, offer them your time, your understanding, and your love. Those things are gifts.

You were never meant to be the parent when you were a child and, unless you now have children of your own, you no longer need to play a parenting role to the other adults in your life.

You can put the burden of this role down. It’s no longer yours to carry. 

Eldest Daughter,

You are allowed to be in relationships with other adults without constantly taking care of them.

You are allowed to step out of the parent role.

You are allowed to rest.

You are allowed to play.

You are allowed to live life on your own terms.

You are allowed to choose yourself.